The Weekly Bear - My Experience of Learning from the Lord

I suppose my blog goes in lots of different directions, and those directions are organized by tags only. Sometimes I tell of my observations, sometimes my posts are journal entries. I love writing, and thinking, and communicating, so I keep going.

This post falls under the journal entry tag most easily. I try to make these posts accessible and say things though talking about myself. I guess it's persuasive in a sense. Whether that's in an argumentative way or to commune in similar thoughts I don't know. I'm at a strange place in my life, beginning to really enjoy it, but still having plenty of challenges. I went through PTSD and dealt with medicinal side effects that made interaction with others very difficult. Those side effects have been fading over the past year, but only recently have I begun to feel communion with others. I saw two men at the Barnes and Noble cafe in Orem, Utah. They sat with architecture and art books discussing amongst themselves passionately. One looked like a cleaned up Slavoj Zizek with Le Corbusier glasses, and the other donned a thick beard too, with distinguished style. Lindsay nudged me to stop staring.

Do I go to grad school? Do I go straight to a career? I've thrown them back and forth. The words of my old bishop of a congregation I attended came back to me, "you will end up doing the projects that you do in your spare time." The men in the cafe, who I would've loved to have listened in on, reminded me that I can be what I'd envisioned for so long, to be a scholar of space. I don't think it was an accident that I went down to Manaus, Brazil, and came back obsessed with the idea of hyper-excitement that I observed in the Amazonian jungle and city. I don't think it was an accident that the Cambridge Pembroke Kings Programme came along and allowed me to develop those ideas. I also don't think it's an accident that I've hooked up with so many incredible professors on the idea spanning multiple continents. I was flattered that one of them took my ideas and made it their own scholarly interest.

I've lived many years of my life subject to tremendous mental strain, and it seems right that I feel free to grasp these things I've been fascinated with, and begin to live. I'm not a postmodern thinker, I do believe things happen for a reason, and that I don't need to go from one bondage to another bondage having had the opportunity to fulfill my great interest, but choosing a career that I have no interest in. I do have an ego that I need to get rid of, and am allured by the prestigious nature of some of these careers, but I would always feel unsatisfied by neglecting my great interest.

I've come slowly to this conclusion. I saw David A. Bednar's video about the foggy day of revelation, which allows for a couple steps forward without knowing the big picture. I felt around to the sides as I moved along, but keep receiving more to continue moving in the right direction. At times I felt very conflicted in which direction to take, but as I acted I began to grow confident that I was making the right decisions.

My dad helped me to know where a lot of opportunities lied with careers, and I pursued them. Some of them came back wanting to interview with me, requesting more information or assessments, but they didn't feel right to Lindsay or me. Uneasiness came over us as I tried to move forward with them. But I remembered a father's blessing which said that I would pass through a time of discouragement, and opportunities would open up to pursue things I'm interested in that would give me enjoyment. My faith has expanded seeing that realized. There's is a risk going to graduate school, but Lindsay and I feel totally calm as we prepare to go to England. Articles from the Ensign have reinforced the feelings which we accept as revelation for us, as well as incredible lessons in Sunday School and Elders Quorum--split LDS classes after the general meeting on Sundays. We received advice from the leaders of our congregation that we hold on to remember in our approach to it. Furthermore, a visit to the Provo temple gave me the feeling that even though I don't feel totally in control of where I am or where I'm going, that my life is ordered correctly.

I look forward to the future. I don't care that the economy is still not good and that politics are definitely not the way I want, that's out of my control. What I can control I feel good about.